GOD star wars: the clone wars (2008-2014) was the absolute fucking BEST. u do absolutely not anymore buckwild than insane range of emotions that seven seasons can put u thru. obi-wan commits a war crime in the first episode. anakin drinks a space martini. a sixteen-year-old decapitates four men in a single second and it is literally never mentioned again. anakin, obi-wan, and mace windu find SPACE GODZILLA and the entire jedi order collectively drinks We Love Peta™ juice, decide not to kill it, bring it to the capital city, and it breaks out (ofc) and kills, like, a half million people. sheev just hangs out in padme’s office for six whole seasons being, i dunno, evil and absolutely not a single person catches on. there’s a blue guy in a dope-ass big hat who beats every single jedi’s ass and they still only call him, “that guy in the hat.” darth maul’s been living in a literal garbage dump with eight legs for the past ten years. anakin endorses state-sponsored terrorism. padme once contracted the black death. the jedi order tries to prosecute a twelve-year-old for war crimes. maul is forcibly murdered two (2) times over and still lives for some bananas fucking reason. whenever anakin does something mildly risky the darth vader theme plays. yoda asks anakin if they’re friends. the jedi order tries to prosecute a sixteen-year-old for war crimes. a cartoon made for twelve-year-olds has a four-episode arc about government oversight of international banking. this all happens in the range of three years. this show is absolutely fucking nuts.
Some new additions:
The Jedi discover secret chips inside every clone trooper’s head after one trooper seems to lose his mind and kill a Jedi, and collectively decide that It Is Fine and don’t investigate. A bunch of 10 year olds go undercover as acrobats in a circus to rescue their 16 year old teacher who’s been kidnapped by a pirate who is a frenemy of Obi Wan Kenobi. Anakin and Rex have an argument that leads to Hunter believing that they…u know. The separatists mistake JAR JAR BINKS for a Jedi.
Mace Windu is a good and compassionate person [Part 2]
“Mace Windu didn’t trust Anakin enough,” the fandom says, oblivious to the fact that Mace left Anakin “I wouldn’t know diplomacy if it offered me a cocktail” Skywalker in charge of negotiating a treaty with a notoriously proud and testy people.
“Qui-Gon Jinn was the ultimate Jedi,” the Internet says, willfully ignoring the patience and warmth Mace ended up showing towards Jar Jar Binks - the character Qui-Gon “pathetic lifeforms adopter” Jinn found too annoying to tolerate.
“The Council scolded Anakin for caring so much about his Clones,” some fanfictions say, deadass looking me in the eye and spitting all over canon as they vilify the man who is shown personally saving/trying to save the lives of at least four troopers, and cradling two dead/hurt ones with infinite gentleness.
the only thing giving me seratonin right now is this guy on tiktok who is recreating revenge of the sith SCENE BY SCENE once a day with an IMPECCABLE anakin accent, costumes, props AND effects
I seriously love the headcanon that the Jedi know Anakin is married but are respecting his privacy and waiting for him to tell them when he wishes. But they’re also a little salty about not being invited to the wedding.
Discussing this is one of my favorite exchanges/threads I’ve had on this site for sure.
I mean, yes, it sure does seem reasonable that marriage would be forbidden for a Jedi who wants to keep being actively a Jedi (given that being MARRIED is a pretty substantial attachment, haha) but also the only people we see talking about it are Anakin and Padme (who presumably is getting most of her Jedi information from Anakin), so it’s funny as hell to think about the possibilities.
I just love the idea that literally no one ever said a Jedi couldn’t get married, Anakin misinterpreted something at some point because he’s an idiot, and now he’s living in what he assumes is some Very Top Secret Marriage That No One Can Ever Know About and is Deeply Tormented about it for what turns out to be no reason. Anyone with even the smallest amount of awareness and sense knows Anakin and Padme are together, and so now the whole Order is just like “…so, do they not want us to know they’re married??? Are they waiting to throw another reception with everyone there? I don’t get it; I thought Anakin liked us!” Obi-Wan tries to broach the subject and Anakin just snaps at him all NO OBI-WAN I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT OF COURSE I’M NOT MARRIED, WHAT THE FUCK, GOD.
I also loved the idea that like, in this AU, Jedi don’t usually get married, so when one of them DOES it’s like, a gigantic party and they go all out and poor Yoda is SO HEARTBROKEN because he finally had a chance to give one of his grandkids away (and to that nice Amidala girl no less!) and host a beautiful ceremony in the Temple gardens, and yet HE WASN’T EVEN INVITED TO THE WEDDING.
Anakin just assumes Mace Windu keeps making a face at him because Mace hates him for no reason and is a jerk, but it’s really just the face of a man who is deeply offended that he, a senior Jedi Council member, never even got an ANNOUNCEMENT CARD IN THE DAMN MAIL. Anakin believes Obi-Wan is frustrated with him because of some BS Jedi training reasons, when in actuality Obi-Wan’s quietly and deeply hurt that Anakin got married and not only was he not asked to be the best man, he wasn’t even invited.
*laughs and snorts her
coffee up her nose accidentally* oh, I remember this.
It was established that the
Jedi Council has a whole hoard of gifts prepared for Anakin’s Big Fat Wedding
that never came. They’re all sooo bitter over this.
This cracky and delightful
idea deserves to have an equally cracky and delightful conclusion, so here
goes:
I like to image that while
most of the Order gets over their disappointment, Mace just–never really lets
it go. But one time - ONE TIME - when the Skywalker’s Snub of the Millennium
was the ABSOLUTE LAST THING on his mind was certainly the day when Anakin came
to him babbling about Palpatine being a Force-damned Sith Lord.
So, Mace is like GREAT, the
Sith Lord they were looking for nearly two decades was just laughing in their
faces this whole time, that’s just perfect, stay put Skywalker while I go deal
with this–
And Anakin puffs up
indignantly, WHY should he stay put? That’s not fair, that’s ridiculous, he’s
one of the best fighters in the Order and just because Mace never trusted him–
Windu is at the end of the
rope. Really? REALLY? He never trusted Skywalker? R e a l l y. Who, just who
pray tell Windu, was the little ungrateful shit who keeps treating the Jedi
Council like a bunch of utter fools, while they allow him to get away with a
more and more idiotic schemes, trusting Skywalker to pull it off no
matter what hare-brained plan he came up, and Skywalker didn’t even have the
simplest, most basic decency in the Galaxy to invite them to his wedding–
Windu breaks off and
squints at Anakin, because he wasn’t making nearly as horrified face as he’s
wearing now back when came running with the news of Sithcellor Lordpatine.
A beat of silence.
What–what wedding, manages
Skywalker, sounding like someone used a great deal of Force to squeeze these
words out of him. There was no wedding, haha, he doesn’t know anything about a
wedding, no sir, wife who and marriage how?
Windu can’t believe this
shit. Like okay, everybody was pretending politely there was no wedding
they didn’t get invited to, and meditating their hurt feelings away in true
Jedi fashion, but now of all times? He might be duelling a Sith Master in half
an hour, he’s had it up there with the consideration for Skywalker’s
delicate disposition, and he’s telling it like it is:
It was a vaping dick move
to not invite them to the wedding. Especially Obi-Wan. And if Skywalker was
under impression that he was being subtle, sneaking around over the last few
years, then he was sorely mistaken.
There, Mace said it.
For Force sake’s, holos of
Amidala and Skywalker making eyes at each other are a regular biweekly column
in the Coruscant Star. They’re probably the only not doctored holos in the
whole trash publication. And everybody along with Master Yoda reads the
Coruscant Star.
Meanwhile Anakin, is
progressing from utterly horrified to terribly confused. Like, they would kick
him out of the Order and still want go to his wedding?
A lone cricket crickets
away in the distance while Windu processes the meaning of this question.
The working of Skywalker’s
mind will never cease to be a mystery to Mace, but he’s beginning to have an
Inkling. There has been a Miscommunication.
Okay, he’ll bite: why would
they be kicking Skywalker out of the Jedi and not want to go to his wedding?
Well, because marriage is
forbidden for the Jedi, points out Anakin in matter-of-fact tone.
Mace stares at the idiot
boy. He takes it back: the workings of Skywalker’s brain are as unknowable to
him as always. He prays briefly to Force for patience. Where did Skywalker came
up with this pile of bantha shit, he’d love to know.
Anakin is beginning to have
that familiar feeling of I Went And Done Goofed Up Real Bad Somewhere Along
The Way, but hey, he resents that implication. He didn’t come up with this bantha
shit, the Jedi Order did!
Mace wants the receipts.
The Treatise on Jedhi
Conduct and Principles Thereof by Jedi Master Rhandalin Kurr, triumphantly provides Anakin.
The what by who, internally
wonders Mace, who heard a bunch of nonsense noises and not much else. Wait,
Master Rhandalin Kurr, didn’t he write that brick of a book about nine hundred
years ago which was a torture to go through, wasn’t he the ancient Jedi Master
whom Yoda described as someone who ‘his lightsaber up his ass, he had’?
Skywalker read his book?!
Anakin throws up his hands
and speaks the words that will haunt Mace Windu to the end of his life and
beyond:
“Well, you karking made
me read his book!”
***
Meanwhile, in Chancellor’s
office, Palpatine is brooding in front of his window.
Suddenly, the door opens,
and he turns dramatically–
–it’s just his secretary.
Again.
Sheev would suspect that
Skywalker is trying to kill him through suspense, if he could imagine the hotheaded Jedi
capable of it, but the idea is ludicrous.
“What is that blasted boy
doing?” he mutters to himself, turning back to watch the setting sun.
This is taking too long. He’s
starting to have a bad feeling about this…
*dies* Yes, Mace just sort of keeps the book on hand to attempt to bore annoying Padawans to death as punishment for doing ill-advised things (and we all know Anakin did ill-advised things OFTEN), but Mace never thought Anakin would ACTUALLY READ IT when he assigned it to him.
Oh my God: the day Anakin comes sulking into Palpatine’s office, all dramatically freaking out: “I must tell you my deep dark secret, Chancellor: Senator Amidala and I are in love – and married! But you must never let any of the other Jedi know, as they would throw me out of the Order immediately were they to have any idea –” and Sheev is just…dying, because A) why does this idiot think the Jedi can’t get married, and B) does Skywalker honestly think no one knows about his marriage to Senator Amidala? Good gods, even HE doesn’t think the Jedi Order is that dense, and he’s a damn Sith Lord who’s been hiding in plain sight right in front of their faces for years!
Well, Sidious figures, smirking to himself, no sense in clearing any of this up. Might as well take the freebie he’s been offered – oh ANAKIN how TERRIBLE those JEDI just don’t UNDERSTAND, do they? Don’t WORRY, my boy, your secret’s safe with me…
Someone, somewhere, is wondering how the ever-loving frack Anakin missed that Ki-Adi-Mundi, a member of the Jedi Council is married - and not only is Master Mundi married, oh no. Master Mundi has four wives and seven daughters.
Dammit Skywalker, yes, marriage is allowed! We weren’t too sure on the polyamory at first, but when we got the cultural reasoning we were fine with it. WHY WOULD WE BE AGAINST A LOVE MATCH?! You said it yourself, Jedi are encouraged to love!!!!!
And you didn’t invite anybody.
Yoda and Mace quietly make it known to Satine that she’s gonna have to be the one to propose to Obi-Wan, because he’s just too respectful of other people’s agency that way - and the Jedi Order will absolutely spring the costs of the wedding and encourage Obi-Wan to retire from field duty (he’d love to be a stay-at-home husband, truly).
They may want to rub it in Anakin’s face a little that a Jedi wedding is awesome and you missed out by not inviting us as a way to get over their hurt feelings at, again, not being invited.
LOL I forgot about the Legends thing with Ki-Adi-Mundi getting married to save his species or whatever it was. THIS IS ALL SO MUCH FUNNIER IF THIS IS A THING.
Anakin? WOULD COMPLETELY LOSE HIS SHIT IF OBI-WAN GETS A BIG FANCY FLOWERY WEDDING AND HE DOESN’T. ANAKIN SKYWALKER, ROMANTIC FOOL WHO IS MARRIED TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ANGEL OF ALL TIME EVER, WAS BORN TO HAVE A BIG FANCY FLOWERY WEDDING. HE HAS BINDERS FULL OF FABRIC SWATCHES. Oh sure, his Secret Wedding was very romantic and of course he and Padme looked gorgeous but ANAKIN WANTED A CUSTOM ICE SCULPTURE FORCE DAMN IT ALL, AND HE WAS ROBBED.
…they’ll probably throw him a vow renewal, but they’re gonna make him suffer a little bit first. Also there’s a very good chance that Anakin will just completely commandeer Obi-Wan’s wedding and become THE MOST OBNOXIOUS WEDDING PLANNER EVER, because if he had to miss out on HIS SPECIAL DAY, well, the next best thing is being able to treat Obi-Wan and Satine like his own personal Barbie dolls, and THEY ARE GOING TO BE RADIANT AND EVERYONE IN ATTENDANCE IS GOING TO WEEPWITH JOY AND IT WILL BE A MAGICAL DAMN DAY, SO HELP HIM.
Ahsoka always gets this wolfish grin on her face whenever she and Padme are assigned to protect Anakin because sure, Padme occasionally gets into aggressive negotions but mostly is pretty calm. Anakin, though?
Padme: Really, Ahsoka, I don’t see why you’re so eager for a dull bodyguard assingment with Anak—uh, Senetor Skywalker.
Ahsoka: The last time we were supposed to have a “dull assignment” with Skywalker he called Grievous “dooku’s punk clanker bitch” and blew up half his fleet.
Padme: I’m aware. I’m the one who had to duel Grievous while you held Skywalker back.
The best part is the fact that Anakins not even like a tactful senator. He’s super popular but he and Padme have the exact same negotiation styles as they do in the normal canon
Senator: *starts insulting someone Anakin loves*
Anakin: *pulls out a gun on the Senate floor* say it again
people on here give yoda a lot of shit and say that he was a bad mentor but i’d like to contest that Yoda is and has always been cool as hell and the real problem was that in the days of the Republic he was forced into a shitty managerial position, where he had to worry about paperwork and massive unauthorized clone orders and vetting chosen ones and shit like that when really all he wanted all along was to be a delightfully shitty impish little grandpa living in a hut giving cryptic advice to teenagers
Like remember that episode of the Clone Wars where the jedi council finally tries to put yoda in a retirement home because he starts talking to Qui Gon’s ghost and yoda calls anakin over like “hmmm…. friends, we are, young skywalker. help me escape this silly place, you must. in it for you, a handful of Werther’s Originals is” like that’s who Yoda is, at his core, and the stifling weight of Force monk bureaucracy took that away from him
Hand to god if all of the like administrative work of running the Jedi Order had been left to someone just slightly more competent and business savvy like IDK Mace Windu or Plo or Luminara or even That One Guy Who’s Allowed To Fuck and yoda had been allowed to scamper off and just like, occasionally impart funny wisdom to jedi children and cheekily break all of the rules in front of them, this Darth Vader shit would have NEVER happened. Instead Anakin would have had the fun-loving, devil may care, “as long as in the house, you do it, young Skywalker” Bad Grandpa influence he desperately needed to balance out frazzled and terminally high-strung Teen Dad Kenobi
Anakin is out on one of the Temple balconies just stewing angrily about his sexual frustration towards Padmé and how Obi-Wan keeps warning him that he will be expelled from the Jedi order and then thrown into a big pit of lava if he ever even talks to a girl and that makes him sad and angry and emotionally confused, when he notices tiny little old man Yoda’s hobbling over to stand next to him with a knowing expression on his face.
“Forbidden emotional attachments, we both have,” Yoda winks at him and pulls out a box of cigarettes. “To nicotine, mine is”
“Wish to save your mother from a life of unlawful bondage on Planet Shit, you do. Very well. Feel like being bad, I do. Tell anyone I am helping you, you must not. Murder me, the rest of the Council would. ;)”
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